There were some hard times, where I thought about quitting on my current ICU. Sometimes it was just my incompetence compared with the overhelming crazy shit  I have to know and do.  It’s just hard dealing with the hardest and complicated patients in a whole hospital, if the floors doesn’t know what to do, ICU has to fit in. The skills and knowledge you have to aquire just don’t come with an overnight sleep and reading a leaflet. They come with mentorship and empowerment…my colleagues know that, but they act like bipolar fuckholes by praying water but drinking whine.

They are telling me less thinking, more acting. If I act, they’re telling me less acting, more asking. If I’m asking, we are back at step one. Fuck this shit!

Yesterday I was kind of depressed, why I don’t fit in, why I have to deal with stupid restrictions on the job. Today I’m filled with uncanalized anger, desperately looking for a vent.

I never lost temper on the job, never ever. I never freaked out, I never spoke out loud, I always tried to convince my fellow humans with sense, reason in a calm and rational manner. This shit is over

From now on, its eye for an eye….back in the middle ages, problems like I have now never had existed, because some drunk and under-educated fellow with a lance would have poked your face and split your brain in half. If someone was bitching, they got a surprise arrow in the chest. Sometimes the world needs to be more primitive.

Under – educated, this is THE WORD. I thought, that Intensive Care MUST be a world of senseful, well-educated and karma ghandi like persons. I was proven wrong. Sometimes it’s the average stupid asshole reading just one or two books more.

I have to make decisions, real decisions. Getting postal is no option, too expensive for these fuckers. And I don’t want to create martyrs , beeing displayed as poor victims . The life lead by themselves must be the key for their dismay. And no, Mr. BKA I’m not planning on anything, well maybe I’m but nothing in your stence of urine.

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